There’s been myriad unsolicited advice offered to me since my wife and I announced she was with child; most of which I didn’t want or need. (Best advice I was given was ignore all advice given. Thanks, Drew).
Of all the topics broached by the well-meaning, the one I would’ve most appreciated was never mentioned. But due to my kind and generous nature, I wanted to take this time to warn you, dear reader, of a parental danger that is spoken of in hushed tones, covered in shame and embarrassment leading to it not being spoken about nearly enough.
Violence. Specifically, child violence against parents. #CVAP
My amazing and adorable 13.5-month-old child has at this point punched me in the face no less than 30 times. One of which, she hit me in the eye with her small yet hard AF brush.
On another occasion, when she was feeling especially frustrated with her precious papa(1), she tried to snatch my eye out of my face as if she was a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad(2). Also of note about this specific incident is that I am in possession of onlyone eye(3).
Yes, my child has almost blinded me multiple times.
I literally, not figuratively, LITERALLY have scratches around my left orbital cavity where my child has taken swings at my face randomly and on purpose. My vision was fuzzy for days after a particularly effective attack where she scratched my cornea then followed up with the previously mentioned brush bashing, hitting me in the same eye during a terribly thought out grooming lesson.
I’d heard the jokes about babies/toddlers stomping daddy-nether-regions with their adorable hard-ass feet but no one told me that my child might attempt eye gouging.
Did I mention that she head-butted me so hard that she loosened multiple teeth? My crime against her? I attempted to pick her up from her crib when she woke up one morning. Dassit.
“Good morning honey! How are–FUCK! OW! GATDAMB IT!” *Anguished yells for my wife*
My child’s attempts at blinding and/or knocking all of my teeth out prompted me to ask this question on Twitter.
Parents: Have you ever worn protective gear to protect yourself from your viole–er–enthusiastic child? #DGProper
— Elon James White (@elonjames) June 20, 2017